Addiction to Social Media
I sat down with a good friend of mine and interviewed her about her decision to delete social media in 2017. With nearly 20,000 instagram followers, her days were consumed by creating content to post, staging her children for posts, comparison, and using it as a means to communicate with an adulterous relationship.
Background: She was an ambassador for well known nutrition companies and brands such as Lululemon. She was a sought after photographer for families and celebrities. Instagram helped her create a substantial income for her business. On the outside, she appeared as a happy, confident, well-balanced, Christian momma and entrepreneur.
About: In this interview she shares what her life and mental health actually looked like behind closed doors which led her to deleting her social media. She has found a life on the other side of social media filled with much more peace, presence, and mental/emotional well-being.
Who: While she remains anonymous for this article she states: I am a 39-year old, recovering social media addict, Christ follower, genuinely happily married, homeschool mom of 2 living in Scottsdale, AZ.
Can you share about your background professionally & personally?
After completing my Bachelor of Social Work from Azusa Pacific University in Los Angeles in 2004, I worked for MAC Cosmetics in San Diego. After 2 years there, I decided to finish my Master of Social Work degree at Arizona State University. As I was in the midst of completing that, I picked up a camera and started a makeup + photography business in 2007. I met my husband in 2008 and married him 11 months later. Our firstborn daughter came in 2011, followed by a son in 2015. After his birth, I started to focus my attention on nutrition and fitness, representing brands like Lululemon and nutrition companies. I had been very involved in church since high school, called myself a Christian and sprinkled in enough faith talk and Scripture in my everyday life and social media presence to convince myself and other people that I had a genuine faith. By 2017, I found myself in a full blown disaster of self-absorption and insatiable need for the approval of people.
What role did social media previously play for your professional life?
Social media became the sole marketing voice and visual for my business— both for photography and nutrition coaching. I relied on it heavily for income, so walking away from it not only sounded like a social excommunication, but an unwanted severing from the financial benefits of exposure to so many.
Did you ever find yourself being negatively affected by social media use? Research shows excessive use can lead to anxiety, depression, and a “fear of missing out”.
Absolutely. However, the way I chose to combat such negative feelings would be to continue to dive deeper into it. I would scroll more often, refresh, try to come up with new content, force my kids to act the part I wanted them to play, do projects and play games with my kids just for the Instagram story, etc etc. the list goes on. It’s just like any other drug. I would try to fix or escape my “problems” with the very thing that was causing my anxiety, depression, loneliness. I was completely blind to the idea that my addiction to social media was sending me into a downward spiral. I acted as if it was a life source, but it was actually a death trap.
What’s your take on the whole “fomo” idea?
I believe FOMO plagues many of us, but social media generates and feeds FOMO on a new level. The perspective shifts when we actually think about what we are saying here. Anything we see on social media that is not our OWN post, we have technically “missed out” on. How foolish for me to have a legitimate “fear of missing out” and then open up the app and scroll through all the things I missed out on that day. Jokingly (kinda) I now struggle more with FOSY (fear of saying yes). Ok, I made this up 🤣 but here is what I mean. My old self with FOMO wouldn’t want to miss anything and would over commit easily. Now, with priorities in line: God, my husband, my kids and keeping my home orderly and functioning well, saying yes to extras must be carefully considered so as to not knock one of the first priorities out of order. I have a tendency to do this, so I have to be keenly aware of what I say yes to outside my home.
You mentioned it was causing anxiety, depression, and loneliness. Can you expand on that?
I was not created to be in more than one place at a time. If I can recall, I followed 500+ people on Instagram. Which means, in a 20 minute swipe session, I will have scrolled through HUNDREDS of different peoples lives, homes, vacations, new cars, parties and meals. This 20 minute scroll is telling me way more than I’m “missing out” —it’s providing me with even deeper plagues:
Anxiety (because I missed out on a lot and need my next post to be highly liked, approved of and commented on.. because that’s my ultimate goal—to make other people feel like they are missing out — anyone else see the irony?)
Depression (because I know deep in my heart, this isn’t real life, but extremely exaggerated not only for others’ approval, but my OWN approval of myself… and I do it anyway)
Loneliness (because I foolishly mistook my number of “followers” with my value, or my number of true, ride-or-die friendships)
Envy (because her house/car/purse/wardrobe is better than mine)
Bitterness (because her husband is nicer than mine)
Jealousy (because her kids are more talented)
Self-hate (because she has a better body)
Greed (because I want more)
Pride (because I deserve more)
Trying to be in SO MANY places at one time severely impaired me to be present in the most important place—the here and now.
Trying to be in SO MANY places at one time says “I want to be God” That’s a job only He can do.
There is a lot out there about “distracted parenting”. Were you ever distracted from your children due to social media?
Yes, I can absolutely relate to this. However, let me add another layer called—“distracted marriage.” I not only had my phone in hand most of the day as a distraction from my kids, it also became a portal to communicate in the hidden, adulterous relationship. All the while, I was able to keep up my image, fraudulent as it was.
I’m a big believer in the way God has designed and ordered our most important priorities. He belongs at the top and encompasses all things. Next, my husband, then kids, then friends or anything outside the home. The honest and embarrassing order of my old life was as follows:
Me.
My image to my followers.
Me again.
Me some more.
Outside relationships.
My kids
My husband
My home (I rarely cooked, did laundry, etc)
Miscellaneous… anything else to drown the noise.
Thoughts of God sprinkled into my Instagram to seem like a Christian.
As a redeemed, forgiven, born-again Christian, the Spirit of God living in me now helped me completely flip flop my priorities. This is an area that is still being challenged and sanctified daily, so definitely not perfect. But as God transformed my heart, He satisfied my deepest needs and gave me the ability to love and serve my family. Now it’s:
God and remembering the gospel everyday
My husband. (anticipating his needs, doing things to help him keep his load light, create a peaceful environment for him to come home to after work, let him rest, offer him my energy and attention when and how he wants it—wink,wink)
My kids. In 2018, shortly after this catastrophic change in my life, I felt the urge to put my physical and creative energy into my family and home life. My daughter was just finishing 1st grade at a charter school when I decided to homeschool. She was 7 and my son was almost 4. In a nutshell-I would have never predicted in my wildest dreams (or nightmares 🤣) that I would homeschool, much less LOVE it as much as I do. We all do. It’s a miracle.
My home. This one is tough for me as I know it is for many. Balancing meal planning, keeping up with laundry, cleaning, training the kids to keep up on their own life responsibilities, on top of homeschooling and sports.. it’s a handful and sometimes it’s not always a perfectly oiled machine. But I am on a journey! And more importantly, I am enjoying the challenge more than I see it as drudgery.
Is there a healthy way to utilize social media so it doesn’t have a negative impact on one’s life?
My short answer is… rarely. Of course, I am speaking mostly to the people who are like me–negatively affected by it, but don’t really know how or why. I am speaking of the potential dangers it can create and the temptation it dishes up.. And to that I ask–is it worth it? It truly comes down to being brutally honest with your motive. WHY do I post? WHY do I scroll? WHAT am I looking to receive back after I post this? Even ask yourself if scrolling helps you to elevate your own self by comparing to others. Scrolling isn’t always making us feel bad about ourselves.. It’s worse than that. It can be a way to judge others more harshly and give us an opportunity to elevate ourselves in our own minds–giving us a god-like complex, more and more hungry for others’ worship.Undoubtedly, there are individuals that can use social media in a healthy, positive and beneficial way–I just wasn’t one of them at that time in my life.
At what point would you recommend parting ways with social media?
Yesterday. 🤣 I actually believe it would greatly benefit anyone to part ways with social media. I hear of people often taking “breaks” from it, taking the app off your phone or setting time limits. These are all great practices, but it’s a lot like quitting an addiction for a week to prove to yourself you can, but knowing in the back of your mind that you’re just counting the days until you return to it.
I recommend parting ways with social media if you feel like you cannot live without it. That’s a pretty good indicator that it may be too high up on your priority list. I would also recommend parting ways with it if you protect it often—Like if you’re already running a list of justifications in your head as to why you should keep it and how it’s healthy for you.
I would recommend parting ways with social media if you think you may love the world more than God. I love the way the Bible makes this point clear on loving the world and what it offers verses loving God:
“Do not love this world nor the things it offers you, for when you love the world, you do not have the love of the Father in you. For the world offers only a craving for physical pleasure, a craving for everything we see, and pride in our achievements and possessions. These are not from the Father, but are from this world. And this world is fading away, along with everything that people crave. But anyone who does what pleases God will live forever.” 1 John 2:15-17
Was it hard to delete with the large following you had built up? Care to share how many followers you had?Initially, pulling the trigger on deleting my profile was tough. I played with the idea of “deactivating” the account so I could keep the followers. But I knew I wanted FULL freedom, not partial freedom with the option to “reactivate” at any time. Over 6 years, I had generated about 18.5k followers. I was obsessive about that number growing, like it was a bank account. I would be thrilled to see an influx in followers one day, but question my last 5 posts if anyone unfollowed me. My strategy was dictated by the time of day to post to get the most views and likes and my mood rode on the success (or lack thereof) of my posts. That’s the rollercoaster I was on.. and I wasn’t wearing the over the shoulder safety harness. No one warned me to put it on.
What would you say to those who want to delete social media, but have a concern with not being able to share family updates or exciting milestones of their children with all their social sphere, or being able to stay “connected” with people?
There is a really neat app on iPhone and Androids called iMessage or “text”. You can even send photos and videos. The phones these days also make phone calls, where you actually talk to one another. It’s wild.
Jokes aside, this is definitely a legitimate concern because I realize now more than ever that social media is where people “hang out” and receive their daily news, current events, school/work announcements and updates on family and friends across the globe. It has truly revolutionized the way we can “connect”. I will submit that this feeling of being connected to so many on a surface level can deceive us into thinking we are truly connected. It’s almost like it satisfies the top layer of our brain, but doesn’t penetrate our hearts. Our hearts know the difference between surface level interactions and deep connections. I believe this is the disconnect when it comes to believing you are so connected, but it’s really just a cheap substitute for genuine relationships.
I admit, I feel less “connected” to my geographically distant acquaintances, old friends and relatives. But the richness of the relationship I have today far surpasses the feeling of being so spread thin—or sending photos of my personal life out to the masses. Some call it efficiency and I understand the convenience. But I’ve decided to make the effort to connect with fewer people—quality over quantity.
Let me throw myself under the bus here and give an example. Out of the 18k followers I had collected, I (foolishly and pridefully) expected to receive emails, phone calls or texts of concern after my exit from social media.. I had about 4 people reach out to me in the first few weeks. More clarity. The people I was meant to be in true, genuine connection with were right in front of me the whole time—my family and a very small handful of friends.. oh and did I mention counselors?? There were many of those. Praise the Lord for the amazing support and help that was put in my path.
Do you miss it?
Honestly, not even a little bit. Although in the beginning (maybe even the whole first YEAR away from it) I would find myself still thinking in posts and captions. By habit, I would go through my day and my mind would create the photo and caption it, add hashtags, etc. and then I would remember I wasn’t doing that anymore and that my family was mine to enjoy in that moment. I remember the first Christmas without it. I was so peaceful. So content. I didn’t have a care in the world about what anyone else was doing—their gifts, vacations, gingerbread house making.. nothing mattered except for what was in my little living room. Such rest for my soul. And I still marvel at how severe my addiction was—which makes the love of Jesus even bigger and greater to take me away from it and satisfy me.
Have you noticed a difference in your own mental and emotional health, from when you were on social media, to now where you’re not on it?
Night and day. I have referenced several times about my life before and after social media. But I want to be clear that it was more than social media that was “wrong” with my life. I was completely misaligned and disconnected from God, living for my own glory.
Would you go so far to say you feel more aligned spiritually now or was that never affected? I think when we lose site of who’s approval we’re really after, it’s as if people can become our “gods”, when we’re chasing that next “like” or “follower”.
Yes and amen. This is spot on. Before God truly got ahold of my heart, I was going 1,000mph in the wrong direction. PEOPLE were my “gods” and as long as I had their approval, I could approve of myself—which says “I am my own god.” God’s love, affection and approval of me was not what I was after. But when I was at my worst (and He let me get there), He saved me and allowed me to experience His love when I felt the least deserving. That changed me. Now I no longer have a hunger for people’s approval—I have now been called righteous because of what Christ has done for me—what more could I need?
What positive changes have you seen within yourself or family life/married life since stepping away from social media?
As I have said before, the changes have been very positive and very dramatic within my family life and marriage. My husband and I went from living like cordial roommates to the best of friends and like mushy little newlyweds that are crazy about each other. I went from being distracted away from kids (because mom life can be a thank-less job and I needed validation) to sewing into them knowing this is the best way I could spend my time—even if I don’t see the fruit for years to come. Before, my life goal was to be known and make a name for myself. Now, I live to tell the story of how God saved me, and changed me. My life’s mission is for others to experience this same freedom—this same love.
Read her full story in more depth on what fully led her to live life without social media:
Social media was a platform for me to provide a seemingly perfect highlight reel of my life. As a photographer, I knew how to stage scenes and put my subjects (including myself) in just the right light and angles.. and if there were any imperfections, I was just a click away from removing any flaw, smoothing any surface, or making myself appear better than reality. On the surface, I was going about social media as everyone else in the world seems to sharing aspects of day to day life. However, the deeper part of me was in constant competition. I wanted to be more creative, more clever, more beautiful, and more adored than the next person. It was a striving never-satisfied. One moment I would have a great post, something witty to say and the likes and comments would come pouring in—the dopamine hit delivered. Then, I would be consumed with “what’s next?” I became an attention-seeking addict and approval junkie (of course, disguised as a well-balanced, Christian wife and mom). I certainly didn’t wake up in the height of my seemingly successful social media influencer career and say “wow, I’m totally self-absorbed and should really take a break from this” —I didn’t realize this until months after the disaster that took place to get me to this point of clarity.
It was one day in 2017 that I felt a push from God to begin unveiling a devastating secret I had been hiding–another relationship outside my marriage (in which Instagram was the portal to allow it to stay hidden and fester.) It was like a category 5 hurricane with catastrophic damage. My husband’s anger mirrored God’s wrath against sin, and our marriage ending was a high probability in his mind. However, powered by God, my husband’s willingness to show compassion for my severe depravity mirrored God’s perfect and overwhelming grace and forgiveness. Like Psalm 30:5 says “For His anger lasts only a moment, but His favor lasts a lifetime; weeping may stay for the night, but rejoicing comes in the morning.”
It was clear to me then, as many manifestations of sin in my life were exposed beyond this, that God was nowhere to be found in my life. My life was marked by selfishness, pride, lying, hiding, greed and adultery. I worshipped created things, not the Creator and exchanged God for a lie, just as described in Romans 1:21-25. My life’s goal was to bring glory to myself, not to God. I had knowledge of Him in my mind that had never truly transformed my heart. I memorized enough Scripture and had all the right answers in order to impress anyone from family members to church pastors. I was deceived into thinking I could check boxes to prove my right standing with God and it became just an outward show. Over the next few days and weeks of allowing God to examine the motives of my heart, I remembered a verse I had memorized years prior. 1 John 1:9 says “if we confess our sins, He is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness.” Not just some unrighteousness… ALL. That is exactly what I needed and I was desperate. He heard my prayer and set me free from all of this binding sin. That is the GOSPEL—even though we have sinned terribly and repeatedly, He took our sin and paid for it on the cross in a brutal death and conquered the grave. Better yet, those of us that were “dead in our sin” like me, have the opportunity to be risen to new life through believing that the work He did was FOR YOU and for your redemption—to bring you back to Him.
Through this process of confessing my impure motives, my selfish ambition and self-absorption, addiction to people’s approval and adultery (just to name a few).. I realized that social media was the place that allowed a majority of these behaviors to grow, manifest and eventually spiral out of control. It became clear as day—a no brainer decision. It was time to cut it off. The Bible says figuratively “if your right hand causes you to sin, cut it off and throw it away..” (Matthew 5:30) And I don’t think I’m alone when I say cutting off social media felt like a LITERAL severing of a limb. But it was better for me to “lose the limb” and be saved from it, than continue along a path of destruction blindly both now and forever in eternity. By God’s gentle hand of grace in leading me, I now walk as a free woman, no longer enslaved to my sin, answering its every demand—and subsequently free to have peace rather than anxiety, joy over depression, contentment over FOMO and divine belonging over loneliness