A Single Mother’s Journey
Research shows that most single parents provide the structure, values, and nurturance that their children need, while they simultaneously manage a household, a job, and a marginal social life. Their homes are not "broken", their lives are not miserable, and while they may have faced challenges, their children thrive. In this interview my friend talks about her journey as a single mom, in which I have much admiration and respect for.
Early years
“When I first found out I was pregnant I was super scared. I knew I would be on my own and it took me awhile but I finally came to terms with being a single parent. I planned everything out trying to prepare myself for doing it alone. My family and friends were super supportive so that helped. I also believe the fact that I was 27 years old when I got pregnant I was able to provide for myself and my child for the most part. I couldn't imagine having to deal with financial issues on top of the emotional issues when your alone. I would have to say that was the hardest part of the beginning, being alone. I started a journal for my baby to help work through my thoughts.”
Challenges early on
“The biggest challenge when you’re a single parent is being alone. Being pregnant in general is very emotional but when you add feeling unwanted by the man who should be sharing everything with you it can be harder. Eventually the novelty of a new born baby wears off and friends and family leave, you are alone with this amazing child that you love more then anything but can't understand how his father can be without him.”
Providing financially
“Honestly for the first 3 years of my sons life when I was a single, I was working full-time and I was also on government assistance. I received full medical insurance and nutritional assistance. I am very thankful for the assistance I received and was also proud of myself when I was able to provide on my own when I could.”
Involvement of a partner
“My child's father who is also now my significant other, didn't become fully involved until my child was 3. He would always check in and visit maybe once a month but when our relationship changed so did the time he spent with his child. Our relationship had always had its ups and downs, looking back I am super grateful I reopened that door because now my son has the best relationship with his father. I think that's so hard to do, to look beyond your own pain and put your child's long term needs first. Years later, even though we are still very much together, my child and I still live on our own separate from him. I have never been fully comfortable giving up my independence I worked so hard for, probably some fear behind it as well. I am super thankful for how helpful is father is now. He is always there when either of us need him. He probably will always try to make up for the quilt he feels for missing out on so much.”
Thriving, not surviving
“ Woman are capable of anything they put their minds to and that is no different when it comes to being a mother. If you want something bad enough it can happen, and I wanted to be a good mother, plain and simple.
I didn't have the best childhood growing up and I always worried what kind of mother I would be.
I thought there was no way my mom wanted to be the kind of mom she was so what if it was out of her control, like she just wasn't meant to be a mother. I was fearful my whole pregnancy that something would happen once he was born and a switch would go off making me like her. I did and always will strive to be a good mother, a better mother.”
Managing a household
“Sometimes managing a household can feel like a juggling act, there are so many balls in the air eventually one will fall and you have to allow yourself that leeway. Easier said then done, trust me I know. I constantly battle with myself, that everything doesn't have to be perfect.”
It’s ok to ask for help
“This is a hard one. Sometimes especially when you are trying to prove to others and yourself that you are a capable mother it is hard to ask for help. However a mom at 100% is better than a mom who is burnt out. Take the help and return the favor when you can”
Most challenging part of mother hood
”I believe the hardest part about being a parent is yourself. The thoughts you have and the worries you have about them or wondering if you are enough as a parent. You are always your hardest critic so all you can do is follow your gut and love your child and hope that's enough.”
Tips to other single parents
“Try not to put too much pressure on yourself and enjoy the little moments when you can.”
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While my friend’s name remains confidential for this interview, I want to acknowledge her vulnerability in sharing about her journey. Parenting is not easy, but it’s the biggest blessing! My biggest takeaway from her interview was just enjoying the moments with our children and that as moms it’s normal for us to be our biggest critic, but it’s important to know we’re doing our best, and to let go of that self-imposed pressure! Everything won’t always look perfect, and that’s OK!