Attachment Styles
I think we could all agree that the quality of our relationships makes a huge impact on our overall happiness. When our relationships are not going so well, it can feel disheartening. One way to address relationship struggles is understanding attachment styles. Psychologist John Bowlby pioneered attachment theory, insisting that our early childhood bonds with caregivers sets the stage for how we will build relationships moving forward into adulthood.
What is attachment: an emotional bond with another person.
What is an attachment style: It’s how we relate to others and how we feel about important people in our lives.
The 4 Attachment styles:
1. Secure Attachment: Depicts a loving connection between caregiver and child, the child felt loved, and more times than not, the child’s emotional and physical needs were met. As adults, they are able to form healthy relationships and friendships without an underlying fear of abandonment or rejection.
2. Avoidant Attachment: As children their emotional needs were consistently not met and they grew up feeling unloved and not important. As adults they fear rejection and believe if they let people into their life, they will probably get hurt. Their coping mechanism is being aloof, overly self-reliant, and self-protective.
3. Anxious Attachment: As children they had distrust with their caregiver who was emotionally absent or very anxious. Caregivers projected their emotional state, such as moodiness or impatience. As children they began to feel insecure in their environment, and tried to seek approval from caregivers. As adults they have a fear of abandonment and rejection. Their coping mechanism is being overly needy and dependent in relationships.
4. Disorganized Attachment: As children they experienced harm through neglect or abuse by their caregiver. Growing up they displayed anger and had challenges with caregivers and other relationships. This attachment style is a combination of avoidant and anxious. As adults they may have trouble controlling their emotions, avoid intimate connection in relationship, and have anger outbursts.
Research shows that attachment style affects many areas of our lives/relationships. There are several quizzes online you can take to discover what your attachment style.
What are the benefits of understanding your attachment style?
Opens your eyes to why you act the way you do in your current relationships (and past).
Helps you understand how your attachment style interacts with your partner’s attachment style. For example: A securely attached partner may not understand why their anxiously attached partner needs constant reassurance or validation from them in order to feel secure in the relationship.
Helps you understand why you felt the way you did in childhood.